The Unit

I Have Shingles

Sun, 31 Mar 2013 23:40:00 -0400

Doctor: Happy Easter. Good news. It’s just shingles.

Me: [Silence]

Fiance: [Silence]

Doctor: It’s a very mild case and completely treatable. We’ll start you on medication right away and it should clear up in 10 days or so. You’re lucky you came in while it’s still localized.

Me: [Silence, blurred vision, choir of angels.]

Fiance: [Silence, firm resolve.]

Doctor: Shingles is adult chicken pox. Did you have chicken pox as a child?

Me: David Letterman had shingles and it was this whole big deal right?

Doctor: [Silence]

Fiance: Yes. She had chicken pox as a child. Right after her brother was born. For attention.

Doctor: Well it re-surfaces in some patients. We don’t know why.

Fiance: Is it contagious?

Doctor: Not really. Only to young children and the immuno-compromised.

Me: Am I going to die?

Doctor: Not today.

Me: Okay.

Doctor: Okay…I’ll write you a prescription for an antiviral and you can pick it up on your way out. You can live your life normally.

Me: Thank you, doctor.

Fiance: I have a question.

Doctor: Yes.

Fiance: Should we explore the possibility of euthanasia?

Doctor: [Jocular laughter]

Fiance: [Jocular laughter. camaraderie.]

Me: [Silence]

Doctor: [still giggling] I’d say that would be premature.

Fiance: Great. Well, thanks for everything.

Doctor: My pleasure!

Me: [muttering like a crazy person] A little too much pleasure, wouldn’t you say?

Doctor: What?

Fiance: It’s the shingles talking!

Doctor/Fiance: [More laughter. Friendship is forged.]

Me: [walks to the unisex bathroom, weeps for the sins of man.]

A Little Color

Thu, 23 Aug 2012 02:20:00 -0400

Grandmother: Bessie. Everything you wear is black.

Granddaughter: That’s not true! That’s not even remotely true!

Grandmother: You wore black to Rachel’s wedding.

Granddaughter: So?

Grandmother: So you looked like you were in mourning. It was a summer wedding.

Granddaughter: I like that dress.

Grandmother: Nevermind what you like – would it kill you to wear some color every once in a while? Blue? Pink? Even a very pale pink. That would be a start. What they’re wearing lately is neons.

Granddaughter: What who’s wearing?

Grandmother: All the girls.

Granddaughter: All the girls?

Grandmother: Why yes. And in the style section. Neon handbags, neon belts, neon cardigans. You name it!

Granddaughter: Well I don’t really like the sound of that.

Grandmother: Why don’t you take down my credit card number and go to Bloomingdales and buy yourself some nice things that aren’t morose.

Granddaughter: [Uncomfortable laughter] Ha. Why don’t you tell me what you really think.

[No pause. Not even a breath.]

Grandmother: You should be married by this time next year.

That Book They're All Talking About

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 20:49:00 -0400

Grandmother: Bessie. I’m reading the most mediocre book.

Granddaughter: Oh. That’s not good!

Grandmother: It’s Eugenides. Honestly I think it reads like absolute PULP.

Granddaughter: ”The Marriage Plot?”

Grandmother: That’s the one. And Eugenides went to Brown!

Granddaughter: You really didn’t like it?

Grandmother: I’m on page 125 and I can’t wait to be through with it. But you know me… Honestly, I had two children and two grandchildren go to Brown…it’s far fetched.

Granddaughter: But you liked “Middlesex,” I thought.

Grandmother: Of course I did. It was a wonderful book.

Granddaughter: Well, we agree!

Grandmother: I’m going to say something and I don’t want you to get angry with me: Put “Jessica Eugenides” on the cover and it wouldn’t sell 25 copies.

Granddaughter: Wow.

Grandmother: Didn’t you say you were reading it?

Granddaughter: Yeah. I was pretty close to the subject matter, so I guess - I think was enthralled in a self-referential way.

Grandmother: Well. And that “Goon Squad” book! They gave her the PULITZER can you believe it. I thought it was morose. And one big gimmick. More fun for her to write than for me to read. Who needs it!

Granddaughter: I loved that book, grandma!

Grandmother: Coming of age this, coming of age that! Talk to me when you get there.

Granddaughter: Well haven’t you read anything lately you liked?

Grandmother: I’m reading that Wallis Simpson book. And you know what, she was very pro-Nazi. And so was Edward! And they went to visit Germany before England declared war, when Lord Hallifax was starting to appease Germany - then of course Chamberlain did - and the Duke of Windsor said he thought Germany would certainly defeat France! It was really sick. And meanwhile he was so in love with her that he couldn’t see any faults. And she, of course, was truly in love with her second husband in America, but lo and behold, Edward abdicated the throne and she was trapped! This was 1936, so I was eleven years old, and I remember seeing her photograph in the papers. Anyway, it was a fast-moving book but a very interesting window into the monarchy. And how the world was.

Granddaughter: Well, I love everything about that!

Grandmother: Me, too! Oh, you know what was very good that I read the other week? “The Paris Wife.” You really must read it. That poor woman.

Granddaughter: I will. My friend’s reading it right now. Maybe she’ll lend it to me.

Grandmother: Lend it to you? I’ll BUY you a copy.

Granddaughter: No - it’s -

Grandmother: -which friend?

Granddaughter: Alex.

Grandmother: Alex from “The New Republic” or Alex from school?

Granddaughter: Alex from school.

Grandmother: Is she still dating that boy Peter. From London?

Granddaughter: Uh…Yes. How did you -

Grandmother: -does she still have that terrible job at the non-for-profit?

Granddaughter: Um. Yeah. She does.

Grandmother: Well it doesn’t sound like either of those things will be satisfying in the long term.

Granddaughter: You know what?

Grandmother: What?

Granddaughter: I think you’re right.

Grandmother: Of course I am. I’m always right! Ha!

Future Perfect

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 14:16:00 -0500

Text: Bessie wake up. Wake up now.

Text: Ugh what.

It’s about my kids!

Your what.

My babies!!

Oh jesus c are you fucking pregnant or some shit

Alright miss crankypants.

It’s a 6 am here

JUST LISTEN

ok what

My kids are going to yale

Excuse me?

My KIDS ARE GOIN TO YALLLEEEE BITCHES

more information.

I’m in that guy Dan’s closet. There’s a shit ton of Yale shit in here. OUR KIDS ARE LEGACY. GAME OVER THIS IS REAL THIS IS HAPPENING.

OMG!!!!! You know what. Congratulations. This is a great day.

They’re gonna row CREW. They’re going to ride horses. One of them’s named Sebastian and the other will be Hope or whatever.

Whitney

Hattie

Cecilia

Rose

Tinsley

EXACTLY

Well, I guess you’re all set then

I GUESS SO.

Ok I’m going back to sleep now. We’ll hammer out the partics later

Bess. Guess what else.

Oh g-d what.

Did you know that the Yale bulldog is the oldest university mascot in the country?

[no reply]

Bess? Did you?

Détente

Sun, 18 Dec 2011 18:06:00 -0500

Boyfriend: So.

Girlfriend: So.

Boyfriend: I’m supposed to get you a present.

Girlfriend: Yup.

Boyfriend: Yup.

Girlfriend: Yup.

Boyfriend: So.

Girlfriend: So?

Boyfriend: So, what should I get you?

Girlfriend: Well. My iPhone case is kind of old. [Winks horribly.] Hint.

Boyfriend: Seriously?

Girlfriend: Nope.

Boyfriend: Be serious!

Girlfriend: A sturdy hat.

Boyfriend: [Silence.]

Girlfriend: One of those rubber pot holders. You know. The kind that looks like Pac Man.

Boyfriend: [Shuts computer. Faces her. Stern.]

Girlfriend: [Silent. Eyes narrow.]

Boyfriend: [Silent. Both eyebrows raise very high.]

Girlfriend: [Entire face converges toward the center.]

Boyfriend: [Turns shoulders on the diagonal. Maintains head position.]

Girlfriend: [Blinks.]

Boyfriend: YOU LOSE!

Girlfriend: [Perishes.]

Nobody's going to tell you this but me, so you may as well listen.

Wed, 30 Nov 2011 12:17:00 -0500

Grandma 1: Well you tell him I’m so very sorry he couldn’t be here with us tonight.

Granddaughter: Okay, grandma, I will.

Grandma 2: And you tell him I miss him terribly, and I wish him and his whole family a happy, healthy Thanksgiving.

Granddaughter: Sure.

Grandma 1: You tell him it was WONDERFUL to see him the other night. Your grandfather thought his views on the Wall Street protesters were very insightful.

Granddaughter: That’s very nice, grandma. I’ll tell him.

2: You tell him we had just a marvelous time visiting you in San Francisco, and we can’t wait to come back and take you two to the Japanese Tea Gardens.

1: And say we were so thrilled to have you on Martha’s Vineyard last summer. And we’ll save his lucky nine iron for when you come down to Palm Beach this winter!

Granddaughter: I should mention, grandma, he really doesn’t like golf.

1: Oh nonsense! Our club was rated the best 18 holes in the country! Maybe even the world!

2: I don’t know about THAT. We happen to have a fabulous course at the club out in Jersey.

1: Apples and oranges.

Granddaughter: Guys!

2. You tell him, when he comes to OUR place in Florida, we won’t play any golf at all.

1: You tell him he can play tennis at our place!

2: And at our place, too! All the tennis you want! Even at night!

1: You tell him we’ll have orange blossom muffins.

2: You tell him we’ll have…hummus!

Granddaughter: Okay. I really don’t think I’ll remember all this.

[No pause. Not even for a second.]

2. You know, Bessie. I was married at twenty.

Granddaughter: Ha. Well, too late for me I guess!

1. If you become a teacher, you get out of work at 3 and you’ll have the whole summer off!

2. And vacations during the year!

Mother: Sweetie, you’re biting your nails again.

Granddaughter: I think I’m going to get more stuffing.

[A glance, a sharp inhalation, an adjustment of a brooch]

1: [silence]

2: [silence]

Brother: [pours wine]

[keeps pouring]

One Plausible Explanation

Thu, 20 Jan 2011 20:09:00 -0500

[January, 1987. New York Hospital after such a long time.]

New Mom: Oh fuck.

New Dad: What? WHAT!?

New Mom: We have to name it. Her.

New Dad: We definitely have to name her.

New Mom: A girl’s name.

New Dad: What are some girls’ names?

New Mom: My name is Robin.

New Dad: [makes a decision, stands] There cannot be two. It will be confusing. [sits]

New Mom: Something else. Stacey. Bettina. Lore.

New Dad: Lore?

New Mom: I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m saying. Why did we just assume it was a boy? Why did we start calling it “he?” Babies can be girl babies. Everything we have is blue.

New Dad: We were busy. “It’s a boy” is markedly easier to say than “it’s a girl” I guess. Rolls off the tongue. Saves time. We are medical residents in a competitive metropolitan program and we made a choice. But we are not God.

New Mom: The doorman. I think it was because the doorman asked “When’s he due?” and we just sort of went with that. Right?

New Dad: Right. I remember now. It all seems so silly in perspective.

[they laugh and laugh]

New Mom: Hindsight, man.

New Dad: James was so good. Shit.

New Mom: Jamie?

New Dad: Pass.

New Mom: Yeah. Jamie is garbage.

New Dad: Jamie frustrates the math tutor and wants snow globes at the airport and marries a guy with a rectangular head.

New Mom: [looks at baby in lap]

[cries]

WHAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF JAMIE?

New Dad: Crucible.

New Mom: Yes. But more name-y. Stalwart and dignified.

New Dad: Buttress. No. That won’t be good, ultimately.

New Mom: Oh. And it should be easy to write. Like by the time she’s two.

New Dad: For confidence.

New Mom: While all those Nathalies and Madeleines are breaking their crayons in half, this kid will be imbued with extreme precociousness and a lingering sense of unearned superiority. Forever.

New Dad: Right. And it should be just weird enough that she’ll have to spell it out loud every time she says it to anyone. It should be easily mistaken for an almost identical, extremely popular name.

New Mom: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

New Dad: Pan.

New Mom: No. Better.

New Dad: Jem.

New Mom: No. Bess.

New Dad: Beth?

New Mom: No. B-E-S-S.

New Dad: Like, short for Elizabeth?

New Mom: Nope. Just Bess.

New Dad: Oh man. Awesome. Do you see how I just did that? Everyone will ask that. Everyone will ask those two questions.

New Mom [conspiratory]: The questions will be neurologically unavoidable.

New Dad: Woah.

[drifts off]

The questions will become this singular, bizarre certainty in her life. Teachers, employers, restaurant hostesses… Every new interaction will feel like it’s part of a recurring dream where she isn’t speaking English. Where she’s screwing up in a way that’s vague and isolating, but ultimately comforting in its consistency. It will be as if other people’s basic assumptions are part of some sardonic joke that only she gets. Like a crazy person. And through this, she will become impervious and detached. She will never own a novelty license plate. She will be…

New Mom: …the opposite of Jamie.

New Dad: [pats little baby on little head]

You’re welcome.

Fungible Truths

Fri, 07 Jan 2011 14:49:00 -0500

If you think Santa is real and exists, wait ‘til they tell you about heaven!

- Will, aged 6, to a young friend.

The Direct Opposite of All Right

Sat, 18 Dec 2010 17:06:00 -0500

Granddaughter (17): I’m going to Botswana. For a month or so.

Grandmother: Oh. [MORTY! GET ON THE PHONE! BESSIE IS MAKING A HORRIBLE MISTAKE!]

Grandmother: Why would a person do such a thing?

Granddaughter: It’s with a very safe program. Mostly adults, really. I’ll be staying at a university. A guarded campus.

Grandpa: Hon? Is everything all right?

Grandmother: Everything is the direct opposite of all right. This is terrible.

Granddaughter: Everything’s fine. I told Grandma about Botswana.

Grandpa: Okay, sweetheart. This is Bessie’s life. And she can do what she wants. And it’s terrific. She’s doing a good thing for the people. She’s a good kid.

Granddaughter: I’ll be working alongside doctors.

Grandmother: [sniffles] With doctors?

Granddaughter: Yes. It’s all very medical.

Grandmother: Does your father know any of these “doctors.”

Granddaughter: [cringes. lies.] Yes. Sure. Definitely. Good doctors.

Grandpa: Bess is taking an interest in medicine. It’s just great. It’s great, kiddo. It’s terrific.

Grandmother: I’m going to have a heart attack.

[everyone says reassuring things about nobody having a heart attack and taking breaths and calming down.]

Granddaughter: Grandma, this may be the thing that convinces me to [hurried speech] go into medicine.

Grandmother: [silent.]

Granddaughter: Just like my dad after the Indian reservation.

Grandmother: Just like Daddy?

Granddaughter: Just like Dad.

[An inhalation. Her eyes close.]

Grandmother: Morty. May I speak with Bessie privately.

Grandpa: Bu-bye, sweetheart. Love you.

Granddaughter: Love you.

Grandmother: When your grandfather and I were very young, we went on a safari in Kenya. Back then we all carried rifles. Even tiny, petite me. One twilight, as we were retiring in our little bungalow, I heard a tap-tappity-tap-tap at our screen door. I tip-toed over to see what the ruckus was about, and your grandfather grabbed the gun. I peered through the mesh, and to my astonishment, I looked down to see a dewy-eyed mother monkey, and in her arms she was cradling a darling baby monkey. “MORTY! PUT AWAY THE GUN,” I yelled. Then, I knelt down and smiled, and the mother smiled back, and she extended her arms and handed me her baby. I kissed the little monkey, handed him back, and she meandered away into the brush. Just like that. I realized at that moment that she had been watching me for days and days and determined that I had good judgment.

[Tides change, moons rise all throughout the solar system, babies are born, teenagers kiss, a man in a corn field looks up and sees a majestic eagle or maybe a hawk.]

Grandmother: You must get vaccinated.

Desperate Measures

Mon, 22 Nov 2010 13:59:16 -0500

“A hundred and twenty seven hours of ANYTHING and I’d cut off an arm!” - Grandma

In the Waiting Room

Sat, 13 Nov 2010 15:16:00 -0500

Brother (6): It’s not just a stomach ache. I know.

Sister (10): It’s a very bad stomach ache.

Brother: Then why is she living here?

Sister: Because Mom gets special treatment because it’s Dad’s hospital.

Brother: So…how come…when I’m sick…I just stay at home.

Sister: Because the hospital isn’t for kids.

Brother: Oh.

[he considers it]

Brother: What about when I broke my arm!

Sister: That’s different. That’s the only way. It was an emergency.

Brother: Oh.

[pasue]

Brother: It didn’t even hurt but I cried because of the shock.

Sister: I know.

Brother: Grandma says they found something. In Mom’s universe. It doesn’t make sense.

Sister: Don’t think about it. Think about chinchillas.

Brother: Okay. [eyes closed] I hate the way this place smells. It smells like a car. It smells like a wall.

Sister: Listen to me. They found just a very small thing and they’re taking it out and that’s that.

Brother: With an operation. Bess, a guy is going to cut into Mom.

Sister: She won’t even know. She’ll be asleep.

Brother: We’ll know. Can she feel it?

Sister: Definitely not. Definitely not.

Brother: That’s good. Grandma says I’m so brave.

[pause]

Sister: Do you want to go to the park?

Brother: No.

Sister: Do you want to get chicken nuggets?

Brother: No.

Sister: Do you want to play GameBoy with the sound off?

Brother: Yes.

[they don’t move]

Brother: It doesn’t matter anyway because everywhere is a waiting room.

The Chosen Person

Tue, 09 Nov 2010 17:20:00 -0500

[Some time last year]

Grandmother: Oh good. You’re there. How are you, dear?

Granddaughter: Fine. Great. Just great.

Grandmother: Is he a Catholic?

Granddaughter: Who? What. Hi.

Grandmother: The boyfriend. Is he a Catholic.

Granddaughter: Oh God. No. I mean his parents aren’t…he’s a WASP. We love WASPS! It’s just like Martha’s Vineyard. Just like Palm Beach.

Grandmother: [voice cracks] You know we weren’t allowed to play tennis most places in the seventies. It’s lucky we’re blue-eyed. The world is an absolutely backward place.

Granddaughter: Yes. Well, in terms of actual, deeply personal religious beliefs, not that it matters remo-

Grandmother: - Well, he isn’t Jewish. That much I know. He’s a Christian man.

Granddaughter: [nervous laughter] He’s also left-handed! [he isn’t]

Grandmother: [sighs] At a place like Brown of all things. Bessie, you know we come from a very tolerant family. A very open and forgiving and welcoming and progressive family.

Granddaughter: That’s good!

Grandmother: It really is.

[tonal shift]

When my brother Leo came back from the war, he brought along a lovely, pregnant Puerto Rican woman. My mother, she took one look at her and said, “It doesn’t matter what you are,” and she embraced her in her arms. And that’s why your mother’s cousin Jeanie is so dark.

[both say a string of nice things about her mother]

Granddaughter: [sits on floor] Alright. Listen to this. We met at a Shabbat dinner at a place called Moishe House. [inhales very deeply] Our third date was the Bat Mitzvah of his entrepreneurship professor’s daughter.

[a moment comes and goes]

Grandmother: What’s his name?

Granddaughter: Charlie.

Grandmother: Charlie. That’s a nice name.

A Voicemail, A Warning

Fri, 01 Oct 2010 13:51:17 -0400

“Bessie, if you ever finally find a lipstick that actually, certifiably looks good on you, buy twenty of them. If it gets discontinued - and it always does - you’ll never forgive yourself. Ever. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. [Beat] Do they have a Bloomingdales in San Francisco? Is it very small?”

The Rule

Fri, 28 May 2010 15:53:00 -0400

“You always want to be remembered as a happy girl having a wonderful time, so whenever someone has a camera, get your hair out of your face and smile with a million watts.” - Grandma

Two Lessons

Tue, 18 May 2010 15:27:00 -0400

Grandma: Did you know I marched on Washington with Martin Luther King?

Granddaughter: Woah. I didn’t!

Grandma: I took the bus down from White Plains - your grandfather threw a kinipchin fit about that.

Grandpa: About what?

Grandma: About how I took a bus ride to Washington by myself. In the dead of night.

Grandpa: What do I care if you took the bus? It’s a miracle you get on a bus.

Grandma: Well, I was traveling alone as a very attractive young girl.

Grandpa: This is true. I grant you that. [winks]

Grandma: And so I got there, and walked straight to the Washington Monument, and I marched. I marched arm-in-arm with perfect strangers. And I kept at it until I fainted.

Grandpa: You didn’t faint.

Grandma: I came very close.

Grandpa: Bull!

Grandma: I kept at it through a pouring rainstorm.

Grandpa: A monsoon, I’m sure.

Grandma: It was a rainstorm and I can prove it.

[regards the ocean out the window]

I had a beautiful green alligator handbag - what I thought was an alligator handbag - and I was out on the United States Capitol steps and I looked down and all down the front of my dress was green ink. A green mess. Awful! Can you imagine?

Granddaughter: Well, no.

Grandma: There are two lessons here, Bessie.

Granddaughter: OK.

Grandma: No matter what happens, keep walking. My Zeder always said that if the earth is cracking behind you right up to your heels, you keep going. Nothing’s as important as moving forward.

Granddaughter: What’s the second lesson?

Grandma: Never. Buy. Fake. Anything.

[All three regard the ocean out the window]

An Old Joke

Thu, 06 May 2010 16:16:00 -0400

Brother: Bess! What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

Sister: Biting int-

-Brother: THE HOLOCAUST!!!!!!!

Sister: [hangs up]

Nanotechnology

Mon, 03 May 2010 15:02:00 -0400

Sister: Is nanotechnology your major?

Brother: No. Physics is my major.

Sister: But you’re doing nanotechnology.

Brother: My research is in nanotechnology, yes.

Sister: Which is making things extremely small, yes?

Brother: Sure. Controlling substances on a molecular level. Even atomic level. I’ve been looking at graphene.

Sister: Is it dangerous?

Brother: Very.

Sister: Seriously!

Brother: No. It’s just extremely flexible and highly conductive.

Sister: That’s good.

Brother: Yes.

Sister: Will, what’s the point of nanotechnology?

Brother: [contemplative silence] When Michael Faraday created an electromagnetism detector and demonstrated it before a stunned crowd in the mid-1800s, a lady came up to him afterwards and asked something like, “But sir, of what use is it?”

Sister: And what did he say?

Brother: He said, “Madam, what is the use of a newborn child?”

Sister: To just love unquestioningly!

Brother: Oh boy.

Sister: Ohhhhhh!

Brother: You get it?

Sister: So that’s why Faraday’s that guy in Lost.

Brother: What? [sighs] That’s why Faraday’s that guy in Lost.

A Tribute

Sat, 01 May 2010 09:42:00 -0400

[Clueless is on a channel]

Daughter: [gasps] Yes.

Mother: Good.

Daughter: Oh no. Brittany Murphy.

Mother: Oh god. We can’t watch.

Daughter: We should. As a tribute.

[Brittany Murphy’s character laughs]

Mother: These were happy times for her.

Daughter: She’s in the ground now.

Mother: I can’t watch.

[40 minutes later]

Daughter: Mom, are you crying?

Mother: No. Are you crying?

Daughter: No.

[both are crying]

Father: [enters, looks around, leaves]

Helen Hunt

Thu, 29 Apr 2010 17:01:00 -0400

Daughter: What happened to Helen Hunt?

Mother: What do you mean? Did you read something? Is she OK?

Daughter: No. I mean, what happened to her? She disappeared.

Mother: Oh, god. I guess you’re right. Age, probably. Hollywood is cruel. This is terrible.

Daughter: But her best roles came later in her career. In her early forties. “As Good as it Gets,” “What Women Want.”

Mother: “What Women Want” is great.

Daughter: “What Women Want” is great.

[personal, fond remembrances]

Daughter: Let’s Netflix “What Women Want.”

Mother: Mel Gibson is unforgivable.

[one hundred moments of solitude]

Mother: Netflix “What Women Want.”

Overheard at Teen Vogue

Thu, 29 Apr 2010 13:47:00 -0400

A lot of times, the magazine where I work gets mail for Teen Vogue accidentally. I personally bring it over there and lurk around until someone says something. Here are some of the best things they’ve said.

On photo proofs of an unimpeachably beautiful TV actress:

Teen Vogue 1: She’s not skinny.

Teen Vogue 2: She’s fat.

TV1: She’s not fat-fat.

[both consider it]

TV2: She’s Scarlett-Johansson-Fat.

On another actress:

Teen Vogue: It wasn’t a nose job, Alison. It was a nose career.

On me:

Teen Vogue: Hi, Alana!

[my name is not Alana]